poop and fornicating Hades is the tame version of the refrain that I used to describe my annoyance at the fact that the fancy dress party is cancelled. I AM NOT AMUSED. I love dressing up and getting into character. So me and my friends are having a wake for the party instead which will involve us drinking toasts and making crappy speeches until we are drunk enough to think about something else.

So it is Jack Daniels AHOY for me tonight. I may not be able to be dressed like a pirate, but at least I can sound like one - so on with the jokes about battening things down and shivering timbers LOL xxxx

This is just a quickie cause I am actually busy for once

Laters

sorry I have been incommunicado - I decided on Wednesday to take some leave at the last minute,c ause I was feeling pretty rotten - think it is the weather changing from nice to complete and utter pants!

Anyway, I am back at work and feeling much more relaxed. had a brill weekend - I spent most of it drawing and painting and with my mates.

Monday was a pretty non-day - i didn't do much, and then yesterday I spent the WHOLE day in bed, eating Chocolate ice-cream and watching films xxxxx mmm, it was a brilliant fantastic perfect day xxxxxx just what i needed! But I got chocolate ice-cream on the covers so now I need to change them - maybe - if I can be bothered!

(no comments about the scabby housework skills please!)

Anyway - I have also been planning my outfit for our latest fancy dress party - I have decided that this time I am definately going to go as a pirate - as I have two pireate outfits, a sword that glows in the dark and a pistol just like Captain Jack Sparrow has - how cool is that???? So tomorrow, I am going into town to buy a parrot that talks, a hat and an eye-patch to complete my outfit. I have to make a few ammendments to it as I want to go as a sexy pirate wench, and not a disgusting slobbering male type pirate (Apologies to male pirates everywhere LOL) So it will be cleavage ahoy and whips aplenty (tee hee hee).

but since I am a woman I can't make any jokes about shivering timbers. I don't have a timber to shiver.

will take some photos and hopefully remember to put them on (Yeah, just like photos of my hair and my walk round the fields? - will trya nd take those into work for tomorrow - it is very annoying with my internet being off i have to remember to put stuff onto disc as we are not allowed to use memory sticks at work - if we do we get a phonecall shouting at us for inserting a foreign object into the network - (would that be like having a menage a trois with an american? Nothing against americans by the way) LOL

I am also feeling little bit fragile as well as relaxed - I have a sore leg - every now and then a nerve i damaged when i gave birth sits in a funny way and gives me shooting pains up my hip making me feel like a 98 1/2 year old, but hey - chocolate ice-cream, a day in bed and a wish come true would cure that LOL.

Best go _ i need to go home and rest my weary bones - will be back bright and cheerful tomorrow!

Laters

As per some of my previous posts, I have explained what chuntering is. Well I have been doing a lot of that today - because everything and everyone is just annoying the hell out of me. But that is probably cause I am soooooo excited and happy, but I cannot tell anyone why. poo. but lets just say that I am as giddy as a sandboy. (Why are boys made of sand and what has made him giddy? hmmm, might need to find out about that one)

So, because of this, everything else pales in comparison to my excitement, so today i took it out on the bank staff. Stupid german Banks - totally crap system. So in retaliation, i am going to go home, eat chocolate Ice-cream in bed and watch a film about bank workers getting their heads ripped off by a 50 foot hermes. Har har har. Plus I have PMS. It stands for Poor Me Syndrome or possibly could stand for 'don't Piss Me off right now cause I am a hormonal time bomb who will either shove my foot up your ass or cry on your shoes depending on what your next three words are Syndrome'.

Anyway, later on I am going over to my friends house to watch the Bourne Ultimatum and have some wineypoos. Her Hubby is away just now as she has 2 children under 2 - must be bloody exhausting, but she seems to enjoy it and thrive on it - but I am going over to keep her company anyway as we normally have a good laugh - but her kitten is possibly the most annoying thing in the world - you cannot move your hand without her attacking it - so i tend to sit on my hands and drink wine direct from the bottle through a straw - so no change there then LOL xx

Anyway - I am really not in the mood for talking today, unless it is to say - 'Yes I would like some chocolate', 'please fill up my wine glass' or 'yes, you can rub my shoulders for me'.

Going to go before i offend someone! LOL

Laters

I still can't find the piccie of stitch that i wanted (Yes, I know, I barely spent any time looking at all - so shoot me) so you will have to make do with imagining me as SUPERGROVER.

All I need is my cape and a collander! And I know that is not a collander but the helmet to a suit of armour, but I don't have one of them so i am going to use my collander and I am not listening to any complaints

BEWARE EVIL DOERS - I WILL HURT YOU TOMORROW WITH MY DEADLY POWERS OF PROCRASTINATION.

I think my brain needs a wash - dust appears to have gotten in an turned it screwy.

going home in half an hour, so better do something!

Laters

I am in a qundry today - it is not good and hurting my little mind.

i am collecting boxes so that i can pack all my things for transporting back to Scotland, but I have a major dilema - I really don't want to fill them with stuff - I want to .......

MAKE THEM INTO A TRANSFORMERS OUTFIT!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!

There, I said it - that has been bursting to get out of me all day.

Comments on helping me solve this dilema would be useful. Also hints and tips on building a trasnformers outfit would also be useful.

And if I do have to fill them with junk I am just going to make myself a superheroes cape instead and wear my pants on my head. So there.

Damn, just spent a good 35 minutes trying to find a picture of Stitch at the end of Lilo and Stitich when he is wearing a cape and bra on his head and pretending to be a superhero - but i can';t fin it - so frustrasting. Picture makes me giggle. If anyone knows where on the net I can find one, please let me know.

Cheers

I forgot my photos of my haircut - sorry! Been really busy today at work, but all done now, so I can bimble about the net all I want now!

Weekend was pretty good - Friday I had committee drinks at the legion - but what i did not realise was that it was a free bar between 4 pm and 7 pm. I drank waaaaaay more than my fair share of jack Daniels and wobbled home about 8pm. I then proceeded to drink about another litre, helped by my good friend Sam. And there was also the Xu Xu that we drank. And the White wine (I think that was just me tho) so I can safely say that neither of us ws feeling very well on Saturday morning. Or afternoon, but I did feel better by evening. Well enough to sit outside in the garden for a while and then go inside, have a hot steamy bath and then collapse in bed.

Was full of the joys yesterday tho - me and Elly were up and about at 0830, and we went out for a walk through the woods, which he loved, and I took lots of pictures, as that is one part of Herford that I am really going to miss - the route that i walk with Elly is beautiful. If I remember (Big If) i will post some photos of it, when I post photos of me hair.

Anyhoo - Minimi emailed me some photos, and I sat in tears for a while - she looks so growned up now she is nine, and I am missing her horribly. Can't wait to see her again. I am going home for a holiday in October, before I move back for good to see her and I can't wait.

The other thing that I was doing this weekend was sorting out my gargantuan pile of books (i love to read) and it got me thinking. if someone asked me to recommend books that you must read before you die, what would they be. Anyway - this is what I think:

1. Black Hawk Down - Mark Bowden
2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy - Tolkien
3. The Chronicles of Narnia - (all 7 books) CS Lewis
4. Class - Jilly Cooper (It's Hilarious but so true!)
5. The Power of Art - Simon Schama
6. Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
7. The Communist Manifesto - Marx and Engles
8. Animal Farm - George Orwell
9. Republic - Plato
(Can you tell my degree was in politics, philosophy and law???? LOL)
10. Candice (And other stories) by Voltaire
11. Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
12. Anything by Osacar Wilde - lol
13. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
14. Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
And finally, the book that I think everyone should read before they die, particularly some of our government today, and is one of the most terrifying and chilling books that I have ever encountered is
15. 1984 Nineteen eighty four - George Orwell - possibly one of the greatest, most amazing books to ever have been written. totally chilling and leaves the reader with nothing but paranoia and a desire to constantly look over your shoulder.

In fact, this is one of the only books, where I have approved of the film that was based on it - John Hurt's portrayal of Winston Smith was inspired. And the film terrified me almost as much as the book.

Now for anyone who has never read or seen 1984, i don't mean terrified as in Dracula, monsters, zombies, gory terrified, but as in Psychologically, oh my god can they really do that to us, kind of terrified. The kind of terror from being controlled completely, trapped in a prison without walls, where the rules are changed constantly, but you are not told about the changes. Where free thinking, creativity and art are a crime, and even inside your own head there is no freedom - your thoughts are controlled as well.

Don't know about anyone else, but just thinking about it sends chills up my spine - think I am going to go and assert my independece, exert my free will and generally try and cheer myself up now!

Laters

PS - Big Special Higs and Kisses to my best friend - missing you loads , see you soon xxxxxxx

My brain has developed sieve like tendencies and I forgot to take in photos of my new haircut for your perusal - as well as before photos so you can see the difference. I will do so on Monday.

Many thanks for your patience.

No I would not like to step into the white van, i am quite happy where I am thankyou.

In my last post I mentioned that I was going to the police station to finish my statement - but I never mentioned why, either then or before!

So, Bun Bun, I was not arrested for painting people - yet, but I am waiting for the knock on the door - nor, as my boss likes to think, was I arrested for hitting people with a wet fish. In fact I wasn't arrested at all! I was witness to a serious assault, and I had to give my witness statement on the incident. Took 4 hours - very emotionally exhausting - not nice and not something I would like to repeat. Although I must admit the Service Police (RMPs or Monkeys as we know them) were really really kind, fed me more coffee than my bladder could cope with, gave me choccie biccies and let me escape for cigarette breaks whenever anything became to much - so that was okay.

So I am not an axe murderer or notorious serial painter, but I have lost my wet fish and I want to hit people with it, so will the bad man who took it please give it back or I will tell the monkey's on you.

Laters

Thankyou to the Walrus for pointing me in the right direction on my antiques quandry! It saved me a lot of time and hassle - and I also found this - possibly not interesting to anyone else, but the weirdest things amuse me and I act on whatever happens to pop into my mind at any given time - that is why life is never dull when i am around! LOL

Anyway:

An antique, according to the dictionary, is "a piece of furniture, tableware or the like, made at a much earlier period than the present." It is not, however, necessarily out-of-date or oldfashioned. A chair that was built soundly from good hardwood around 1820 and is comfortable to sit on is never out-of-date. A 7 1/2-inch-high octagonal teapot of blue Staffordshire is monstrous in comparison to contemporary streamlined pots, but it makes as good tea as it did more than a century ago.

How many years old must a chair, a plate, a trivet, a fan, or a clock be to warrant its being called an antique without anyone's arguing the point? Some people insist on a precise number of years, such as 80 or 100. The 80-year span is justified on the basis of two generations, each one covering 40 years. Yet a watch that is only 75 years old is likely to look old-fashioned, and so perhaps it also is an antique. Certainly anything that is 100 years old deserves the label.

An official definition of an antique is stated in the Tariff Act of 1930. According to Paragraph 1811 of that Act, antiques are "works of art (except rugs and carpets made after the year 1700), collections in illustration of the progress of the arts, works in bronze, marble, terra cotta, parian, pottery or porcelain, artistic antiquities and objects of ornamental character or educational value which shall have been produced prior to the year 1830."

All highly exciting stuff!!

Anyway - even mroe exciting was my radical new hair cut - it is soooo cool. I am going to post pics of it tomorrow - it shows how 3 months ago my hair was dark brown and came half way down my back - 1/12 months ago, it was cut into a 'pob' and then dyed burgundy red, and now it is approximately an inch long and a cross between cherry and ruby red. very drastic!

Anyway - nothing exciting happening today - I am going back to see the Police Later, I was in this morning giving them my statement, and we never got finished, so I am completing it this afternoon - I enjoy talking, but i think the poor lad taking my statement got a sore wrist after a while, as I can go on quite a bit! LOL

Best go home and take Elly out before I go see the boys in blue (or red caps in our case) otherwise he will pee everywhere in the house.

Laters

leading nicely into short hair - I am away to go to the haridresser today to get my hair cropped. Will look very cool -and I can just roll out of bed, run some wax through the ends and then off I go (Or at least that is what the hair magazine i bought says, but chances are, I will wake up each morning looking like i have been dragged out of bed through a hedge backwards) anyway - that is why the post is so short. And also because I have been so occupied with my latest quandry that I almost forgot to post -

How old does an object have to be before it is considered an antique? Hmmm, think I am going to have to research that one, otherwise it will annoy me for minutes upon minutes of my day. LOL

Until tomorrow

Laters

I want to go to Rome, visit the Vatican City and see St Peter's Basillica!!!!

St Peter's Square in the Vatican City

St Peter's Basillica.

It is home to possibly one of the most beautiful sculptures in the world - 'The Pieta' By Michaelangelo.

Now I am torn - Egypt and the Pyramids and some of the earliest art and sculpture work in known history or the Home of Fine art and the tastiest food and wine in the world (Sorry france but I love Italian wine) and some of the most beautiful sculpture and paintings in the world. I really really really really want to see Michaelangelo's 'David' In real life and not just in pictures of on film.

Good god - back to the holiday brochures me thinks!

Laters

I had a really good weekend. It was one of those weekends that you just did not want to end - ever!

It all started well on Friday when I took the day off of work. I really couldn't be arsed with it basically! I went out and about and did some shopping with my friend Sam and then went down to her house for a cocktail evening. A few of our friends came round and we drank swimming pools (Blue Caraco, Vodka Malibu and Milk), Punch (Red Vodka, Litres and Litres of normal vodka, Malibu and Fresh Orange Juice and some fruit pieces) Black Russians (Vodka, Kahula and Coke) and then when we got thouroughly nissed and a pewt, we started to make up our own. I have no idea what we were drinking, but I do know that a vast amount of it got spilled over Sam's carpet (by me mostly) as we were all to drunk to pour things into glasses and cocktail mixers correctly! LOL.

I did not feel to big or too clever on Saturday morning surprisingly enough.

On Saturday night though I was feeling better - well I had to be - I went to the local british Legion, where I am Secretary, where we were having a Cowboy themed night - (I got to dress up as a cowboy YAY!!!!!) I was running the poker table as I can be a bit of a card shark when i want to be. Anyway, I didn't win, as I was still feeling a bit shaky, but I had lots and lots of fun. only down point to the night was that estranged hubby tipped up, but he behaved himself and I did a very good job of pretending he was a hole in time and space. tee hee hee!

Didn't have too much to drink so I was oklay on Sunday morning - just really really tired as I went to bed late. very late, about 5 or 6 am, cause I was sitting up reading for most of the night. (I just couldn;t sleep when i got back from the legion) so as a result I spent most of Sunday lying on my futon sleeping. From about 11am till 4 pm. And then I woke up and did some sketches and then studied the composition of facial muscles (God I am so exciting amn't I LOL).

But it was really really good anyway. I feel so relaxed, but really sleepy again - think I can hear my futon calling when I finish work.

Got to go take Elly out for a pee or he'll be crossing his legs.

Laters

I just realised that when I sit in my chair at work, my legs don't touch the ground. If i stretch my toes I can.

Still, as I have mentioned in a previous post I am more flexible and less likely to die in a car crash that taller people. Na Na Na Na Na Na.

In response to a couple of comments i got when i painted my legs -

Bun Bun - I didn't run out of paper - I had just drink a little bit too much alcohol and was incapable of remembering where I had put it. If you are not sure why that is - ask your friends Nick and Helen what Alcohol is and the bad things that it does to your brain!

Willow - It was acrylic paint, so it washed off in water (nice long soak in the bath was required. With bubbles and scented candles and everything! )I am still alive and unlikely to die anytime time soon, but my leg has turned a funny green colour and smells a bit. Someone mentioned gangrene, but i think they are on drugs so I just ignored them. LOL xxxxx

Bun Bun - Ask Nick and Helen what drugs are LOL

Posting soon

Laters

I was reading through some blogs yesterday and one was entitled Desert Islands Discs, and asked what 10 songs, 3 books and 2 films and 1 useful item you would take onto a desert island with you. I pondered it last night, and then promptly forgot it by this morning as I had too m uch wine to drink, but I have decided to resserect the idea, cause it is lunchtime and I am bored. Again. God, I always seem to be bored don't I?

Anyway:

10 Songs:

1. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
2. Wait for Life - Take That
3. Frozen (Constantine Soundtrack) - Celdweller
4. Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
5. The Gambler - (Can't remember who sings it)
6. November Rain - Guns N Roses
7. Rose - Eileen Rose
8. Bolero - Ravel (Might be classical, but this composition is better than sex)
9. The Chicken Song - Spitting Image (Go on start humming it - you know you want to !)
10. The theme tune to Blackadder - cause it is hilarious! LOL Rides a black steed and is very black indeed - tee hee hee - total class!!

3 Books:

1. Lord of the Rings Trilogy - J R Tolkien
2. Class - Jilly Cooper
3. The Odyssey - Homer (not simpson - ancient greek poet - DOH!)

2 Films:

1. Black Hawk Down
2. Apocalypse Now (Not redux cause the added bits made it poop)

1 Useful item.

1. me best friend - useful for keeping me company and stopping me going insane(r)

Way to eat me ready salted crisps now.

Laters

and decided to drink some wine while i was painting. Below are the results.

isn't they pretty?

As I was walking down the street after nipping home to take Elly for a pee, I came up wth an idea for another Subject I am going to tackle. I am going to do a large representation of left hands with the ring finger missing to symbolise that I have cut myself off from the anarchaic and somewhat binding tradition of Western marriage and am living life how I please.

That was very deep wasn't it! But who the F&*k am I kidding - I just want to cover bits of my body in paint and slap them onto some paper. And for further information I actually like the sanctity of marriage just not to my estranged husband LOL xxx- and I would quite happily remarry if the correct person got down on one knee and bought me a diamond roughly about the size of the rock of gibralter, preferably in platinum or white gold (not silver I am allergic) and then took me to bed and lost me for ever. (Can every one hear the Top Gun theme in the background? tee hee hee

I also got my nose pierced this weekend. It's well cool. And I also died my hair bright red, but I keep telling everyone that I drank to much red wine and it has gone to my head. It is pretty much the exact shade as a nice glass of burgundy. mmmmmm, Red Wine. Yummy. Probably not good if I ever got pregant. Any child would probably be born with a glass of red in one hand and a fag in the other. My mum predicted that is how minimi would come out, but she prefers Vodka and Fresh Orange, so mum is obviously not psychic. (only joking about the 9 year old drinking alcohol by the way - before someone reports me to social services and puts my picture on shit mum dot com).

Better go - need to find pictures of snakes mating on the net.

Laters

I seem to be getting later and later with my posts every day - and that is because I actaully have work to do!!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH. because I will be leaving my current place of employment at some time in the next two months, I need to make sure that everything is all up-to-date. Really don't like working - would quite happily be given money for nothing, but I get really bored if I don't work, and when i get bored I get up to mischief, and me getting up to mischeif does not generally end up in hugs and kisses all round. Normally misery, bruises and me covered in paint. (Don't ask how that works, I don't know!)

Anyway, I am keeping myself pretty busy now that Minimi is back in Scotland and I have the whole house to myself. So I am working on an art project. It is tentatively called the Temptation of Eve, is based around the story o the eating of the fruit from the tree of knowledge. And yes I know - I can hear you all sighing that it has been done countless times before, but not in the way that I plan to do it! Very erotic, dead sexy and so blasphemous I will get shot down by a lightening bolt and sent to hell instantly for even thinking about it. But what is life without an ickle bit of controvery.

Anyway, because of this I need to go to the art shop. Need a new easel, cause mine is only a lickle one and not big enough for the size I am planning the work on being. Also need a new 'stay wet' pallete for my acrylics, as I stood on mine last night a cracked it - woops. not very clever! but then i also drew flowers on my knees through my ripped jeans, so it is not surprising really. So after work, I am going to go on a little trip downtown. Fun fun fun. Also need to get some turps for me oil paints as I got some on my leg and I can't get it off. DUH!!!

I took some photos of feeding of Baby Born but I forgot to take them into work, so you will have to wait till tomorrow - also have some photos of my paint covered kness - dead sexy and not at all knobbly!!! (Or so i think!)

Anyway, I am going to go and do some research into the anatomy of a snake

- Snakes are dead sexy

and if you use your imagination you could see where I am heading on this one with the whole erotic nature of the painting. LOL.

Also going to eat a packer of Salt N Vinegar McCoys cause I am a hungry little Hermes.

Laters

I have come to the end of my tether. Finally I have admitted that I need to do something about this broody thing. I don't actually want to be pregnant, I just want a baby to love and hug and cuddle and stuff. But then I had a brainwave. I am now officially, the woMAN WITH THE PLAN.

I am going to play dress up and stuff with Minimi's Baby Born Dolly that she left in her bedroom when she went back to the UK.

I can feed her, give her liquids, dress her up, she cries and laughs when you tickle her, poops her nanppy, pees and generally does everything that a real baby does apart from breathe. Obviously. It's a doll. I am not completely insane. (This doll is nothing like the lumps of plastic that passed for dolls when I was younger).

I can take her for walks in a pram when I take Elly round the woods, and can take her into the garden with me while I am with me mates. Oooooh, we are going to have so much fun!! I am so excited!!!!

Best go - a van just pulled up and lots of men in white coats just jumped out. I think I best hide under my desk... Especially since one has a straight jacket and the other has a tazer gun.

Mmmmm, tazer gun - want one for my christmas. Then in addition to loving baby born, I can also give her electric shocks when she is naughty. Or is that wrong? Course it is - she would probably melt. LOL.

Laters!

I'm Back!!! Can't think of anything to write just yet, but will soon - lack of food is muddling my brain. Going to have yummy Tuna Nicoise Sandwich and ponder my ranting and raving for the day!